


you wanted a taste of it

by haipollai



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bodyswap, Chronic Pain, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-12
Updated: 2014-04-12
Packaged: 2018-01-19 02:50:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1452697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haipollai/pseuds/haipollai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve feels it clawing at his mind, hazy and blue and insidious. He pushes back with everything he has but the haze makes it harder. He can't find the edges of himself in it and he feels himself slipping. So with one last effort, he forces the haze away and flees, seeking out his one old place of safety.</p><p>And everything goes black.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you wanted a taste of it

Steve feels it clawing at his mind, hazy and blue and insidious. He pushes back with everything he has but the haze makes it harder. He can't find the edges of himself in it and he feels himself slipping. So with one last effort, he forces the haze away and flees, seeking out his one old place of safety.

And everything goes black.

-

Sam swoops in but knows he's too late as soon as he sees Strucker touch the scepter to Steve's chest. He's read the files, heard first hand from Clint what that thing can do to someone's head and he's too late to save Steve. Sam knows whatever happens next, whatever Strucker makes him do, Steve will never forgive himself.

But just as Sam's feet touch ground Steve lets out a strangled yell and stumbles. Strucker takes a step back in surprise and before he can gather himself Steve launches at him.

Sam's never seen him let loose like that before and he barely manages to get his arms around him. He can hear others running up, but Sam ignores whatever they're yelling to focus on Steve and calm him down.

"Steve come on Steve what the fuck man this isn't  you," the words tumble out without really making sense. Just words to give Steve something to focus on.

Strucker falls to the ground in an unconscious heap and Steve finally goes still, staring at his bloody fists. "Steve?" He asks weakly and Sam feels something terrible begin to settle in his stomach.

"Yea, fuck please don't tell me that staff did some kind of memory wipe shit."

"No!" He shakes his head hard but quickly takes a breath. It feels practiced, like Sam used to do in front of a mirror when the nightmares were the worst. "No," he repeats, sounding calmer. "I'm not Steve."

Sam lets go of him to come around to stand in front of him and reaches up slowly so Steve - whoever - can track the movement. He pushes the cowl back, checking for himself too but he's only met with Steve's familiar blue eyes and blond hair. Only right now he looks terrified and lost in a way Sam has never seen. "Hate to break it to you but you're Steve Rogers."

"Fuck." He looks down at his hands again and yanks his gloves off. "No, no fuck."

"Hey, whoever you are," Sam snaps to get him to focus back on him. "If you're not Steve who-"

"Bucky," his hands tighten into fists and he seems to steel himself. "Bucky Barnes."

The name sounds odd on his tongue, like he's practiced saying it in the mirror but not used to it yet. Sam's heard Steve say that name over and over like a prayer, whoever is in his body is definitely not Steve. So maybe it is Bucky.

"Wilson!" Natasha reaches them first with Clint on her heels. There's no more time to figure this out without scrutiny.

"One more second, Strucker probably needs attention," he says and grabs Steve's sleeve roughly, yanking him close. Natasha seems to get the hint and gets Clint to follow her to the scientist. "If you're here than where the hell is Steve?" Sam hisses.

"He's- he must be close."

"Not good enough."

He's never seen Steve's skin go that shade of pale before. "Need to look out for him," Bucky mumbles. "I didn't mean to- Got blood on his hands."

"Bucky." He has to resist slapping him but keeping his word sharp seems to him help. Orders, the kid needs orders. "He's a soldier, now focus. Help him. Where is he?"

Bucky takes a deep breath, visibly steadying himself. The tableau is strange to watch, Steve's body, almost Steve's gestures from a lifetime together but different enough to catch Sam's eye. "Are we in New York?"

"Yea."

"I was- an old warehouse outside the city, Jersey side of the river." He purses his lips. "I'll lead."

-

Steve almost throws up at the sudden aching pain. It's everywhere but seems mostly focused on his left shoulder. His vision seems fuzzy but after a few blinks sharpens again. It doesn't seem as clear as usual, more like before the serum.

"Oh so he lives," someone sneers in heavily accented English. Out of the corner of his eye he sees a foot come at him and he instinctively throws himself to the side.

He hits a wall hard and slumps to the ground.

"Expected you to be more of a challenge."

Steve hears the distinct click of a safety being turned off and he makes himself focus. He shoves the pain away to the back of his mind, launching himself at the man. He hits him in the midsection, sending them both tumbling to the ground. He can hear the gun clatter away but ignores it, focusing on disabling the man beneath him. He still doesn't know where he is, why everything hurts. Who this man thinks he is or why they're fighting. There's too much he doesn't know.

So he sticks with disabling him, giving him a sharp blow to the head to knock him unconscious. There doesn't seem to be anyone else in the room so Steve finally takes a minute to assess. The building has high ceilings, but they're in a empty room with brick walls, He goes out the only door into a wide hallway and starts towards what he hopes is an exit.

It feels like a warehouse but there's still no sense of where he is. Steve doesn't meet anyone else though. It gives him a few moments to assess himself. The pain seems to be from general wear and tear, a hard life of abuse. Steve used to feel this way when he was small, when every breath could lead to an allergic reaction or asthma attack, when his bones broke too easily and his muscles were too weak.

The worst of the pain seems to come from his left shoulder so he carefully pokes at it, staying focused on the building around him just in case someone else jumps out at him.

But almost trips over his own feet instead.

His throat feels tight as he looks down at his hands. Dark hair falls across his eyes. He ignores it in favor of focusing on his hands. He - whoever this body belongs to - is wearing gloves, he's almost terrified of peeling them off but has to know.

So he yanks off the left glove and stares down at a hand of metal.

"Bucky?"

His only answer is the heartbeat in Bucky's chest thudding in his ears. He hasn't seen Bucky in almost a year and somehow he's in his skin. Except right now it's Steve's chest and he still doesn't know where he is.

-

Bucky feels a laugh bubble up in his chest as he tears from the streets. He has his own enhancements, he is almost on Steve's level but nothing like this. It's exhilarating how fast he can go. For a second he forgets why he's running so lost in just the simple, freeing movement but he can hear the jets of Falcon's suit up above him, helping him keep pace as Bucky runs.

Steve.

Steve is out there and he has to help him. He should never have gotten so close, whatever caused this wouldn't have happened if Bucky had stayed away. Steve doesn't need him close, he has others now, he has Sam. Bucky doesn't even know his name some mornings.

Doesn't remember anything but blood most of the time.

Bucky pushes himself harder, trying to get to the warehouses faster. He had been following a lead, trying to take care of a Hydra drop point. No resources left for whoever might still be out there. He can't fix what he did, but he can keep Hydra from surfacing again.

He starts to slow down as they finally get close but he doesn't judge it well and still runs into the side of a building, leaving crumpling brick in his wake.

Sam lands a few paces away, arms crossed, waiting for Bucky's next move. "I didn't mean…" Bucky murmurs, not sure how to explain. He should have avoided the wall entirely, he shouldn't be so careless with Steve's body. Yet there's no pain, any damage done to his shoulder is already healing and fading away.

"You broke a brick wall, mazel tov. Where is he?"

Bucky stands a little straighter and takes a good look around to orient himself. He spots one of the marks on the wall used by Hydra and for a second he forgets what he's doing there, there's a mission and he-

"Hey, Barnes," Sam says softly, moving so he's in Bucky's line of sight. "You alright in there?"

He gives a sharp nod of his head and pushes past Sam, following the directions. The area is a maze of warehouses, some still in use, some standing empty. Anyone who sees them stays out of the way. They don't need to look far, there's a crack of a gun being fired inside one of the buildings. "Handgun, SHIELD issue," Bucky hisses as warning to Sam before charging in.

Bucky's held the shield before, though all those memories are vague at best. More sensations then any clear thought. But he takes it from his back now, and wishes Steve still ran around armed.

There are three men right inside, two versus one. Except the one has a blade against one of the guy's necks, using him as a shield against his companion. All three turn to stare at Bucky and he knows what he looks like, he's seen this tableau from the other side enough times as Steve came charging in. Without really thinking, he throws the shield, wondering if it's muscle memory guiding him right now. It flies harder than he means ricocheting from one guy straight into the stomach of the one Steve - it must be Steve - as a knife to and sends both of them crashing backwards into the wall.

"Fuck, fuck, Steve." Bucky runs towards them immediately, barely restraining himself from throwing the guy off of him to get to Steve underneath. Steve is slumped against the wall, his head must have hit it but he's breathing.

"Buck?" Steve breathes, slowly lifting his head. Bucky finds himself looking into his own face but it's nothing like looking into a mirror.. Steve grins up at him, lopsided and adoring. Bucky used to live for that smile, seeing it now is like a punch to the gut. He groans softly and closes his eyes, snapping Bucky back to right now. "Fuck that hurt."

"Sorry, I didn't mean-"

"I know." He grips Bucky's arm tightly and uses him to push himself up to his feet, swaying slightly but determined to keep himself up. "Sam."

"Steve. New look."

Steve shakes his head which almost sends him back to the ground but Bucky moves faster, gets an arm around Steve to take his weight. Almost knocks them both over in the process, but Steve catches his arm, lets Bucky support him. He can feel the metal arm pressing against his side. "I don't know what happened. Strucker had the scepter, I knew what it could do and I guess I panicked." He looks up at Bucky, smiling apologetically. "Sorry Bucky. Wanted to find you again but not quite like this"

"Wait," Sam interrupts, taking a few steps closer. "You _panicked_ and _switched bodies_ with him? What happened to panic just meaning running and screaming?"

"Steve can't do anything like anyone else," Bucky can't resist teasing. It's so easy, even with everything off kilter in his head and stuck in the wrong body, knowing he's sharing space with Steve makes things easy.

"Fuck you," Steve says lightly, elbowing him gently. For a second he looks confused and Bucky realizes he's not used to their different strengths. "I have no idea how the staff works or why it went to Bucky."

Sam arches an eyebrow and gives Bucky a long look. "I have a good idea on that second part. Come on, they've got the staff so maybe we can fix this and even be home for dinner."

-

They realize quickly that Steve has a sprained ankle and have to stop to wrap it before they can go anywhere. He bites his tongue to keep quiet through each jostle until they're done. Unfortunately Bucky's body is too heavy for Sam to carry far, or for Bucky in Steve's body to run with. He bites his lip to keep from asking about the rest of the pain, the aches that seem a part of Bucky.

So they walk. Sam keeps a few steps ahead, saying he's taking point but Steve knows he's giving them a chance to talk before they're surrounded by the Avengers. Steve doesn't even know where to start.

"You shouldn't look for me," Bucky says first. Those words in Steve's voice make him flinch. He wants to punch Bucky in the mouth for even saying them but he can see in Bucky's eyes that he regrets them as soon as they're out. "I mean. Come on Steve, I'm not- I don't know-"

"I'm not going to judge you for not remembering everything." He keeps his gaze fixed on Bucky as they talk, trusting Bucky to not let him run into anything. "You can't run forever and you know it."

"How long have you been waiting to tell me that."

"Kiev. When I first saw what you were doing." Steve had been hunting Bucky's past and hadn't realize it would cross over with Bucky's present, tearing down the remains of SHIELD and Hydra. He remembers when they were little watching the old priest fidget with his rosary, trying to give a sermon on sin when everyone there knew what he did at night. "You could have at least said hi."

Bucky laughs but it sounds almost rusty, as if he hasn't tried it in a while. Steve doubts he has. He can feel the scratch each time he talks which tells him how quiet Bucky is these days. "Most days all I remember is pulling you out of the Potomac."

"Liar." They wouldn't be here, Bucky's arm stable and warm (and Steve never realized how much heat his own body gave off before) around his back to support him, if that was all Bucky remembered. "Don't lie to me Buck, I hate it." Bucky stares at some point ahead of them and Steve can see his jaw working, the expression so completely Bucky despite being his own face that he lets it go. "I never realized how much pain you were in." Bucky looks at him as if expecting some lecture about emotional scarring. "Your body. Everything hurts."

He looks away and shrugs. "Got used to it." They fall into silence again, leaving Steve feeling lost and small. Bucky was always been the person he could talk to, even when his tongue felt too thick around everyone else. "I'm sorry Steve. That you have to feel that."

Steve makes himself smile though it feels wrong, like the muscles of Bucky's face don't know how. "Just wish I could help." Once he wouldn't have bothered saying it out loud, but he doesn't know what Bucky can read from him anymore.

If Bucky wants to know Steve is there to help.

"No helping me."

He frowns and stops walking, even if it bumps his ankle and he doesn't want to harm Bucky's body anymore. But he needs Bucky to stop and pay attention. He grips the front of the Captain America uniform tightly, right over the star and yanks him forward. "I know you don't remember. I know your memories are damaged. I fucking know but you're here and you answer when I say Bucky so you know what I used to be."

Bucky's hands fist tightly at his sides and Steve knows he's scared of himself, Steve went through the same thing after the serum. "I can't look at my own face and talk about this," he pulls back quickly, easily breaking Steve's hold. They don't say anything for the rest of the walk.

-

They run into everyone else too soon and they're overwhelmed with questions but Steve cuts through them all. "The staff did this, we have to hope it can reverse it."

Bucky notices he doesn't say 'fix'.

-

They're relocated to a lab set up in Stark Tower and Thor and Bruce left to supervise since no one else knows what the thing does. Bucky is surprised by the lack of suspicious looks but maybe it's because no one knows where to look. They glare at Bucky's body, they're glaring at Steve but must feel wrong to direct that kind of suspicion at Steve's body.

So many of his memories are tinged with fear. His own, those around him. Even when Hydra had him in the chair, broken and obedient, they were still afraid. Afraid of who he was, of who they made him to be.

Steve and Bucky are seated on opposite beds facing each other and Bucky grips the edges to keep himself focused until he hears the metal creak and realizes he's bent it. Steve nudges him with a toe and there's no fear in his eyes. Or at least not fear of Bucky. Not what he could do with Steve's strength and power.

"When I first started with the USO tour, I misjudged the fake punch and broke the actor playing Hitler's nose," he says conversationally. As if they're not once again lab rats. Steve leans over further so he can touch his fingertips to the back of Bucky's hand and carefully peels it away from the bed. "Was scared to shake anyone's hand for about a month after almost breaking the Senator's."

"Liar," Bucky says weakly.

"Am not," he scoffs. "Never lie to you."

"Yes you did," it comes out without Bucky really expecting it and Steve jerks back in surprise. "That one winter Mrs. Harris next door, you accidentally broke her window and insisted it was a pigeon. Even to me."

Steve smiles and leans forward again. "Ok fine. But I didn't want you getting found out too and getting in trouble. She always gave you sweets and didn't want her stopping."

"I wasn't-"

"You were fourteen Buck." He stares down at his hands, slowly flexing the metal one. "You never had a lot of reason to smile." Bucky doesn't tell him he still doesn't. He gets the feeling Steve doesn't need to hear it. "Bucky, once we're back to ourselves. Stay?"

Bucky wants to tell him he can't, he can't tarnish Steve like that. His few solid memories are of Steve smiling at him, too skinny and too weak but still smiling. He doesn't want to ruin that but looking at Steve he realizes maybe he has to. "You," he swallows hard to clear away the sudden lump in his throat. "You said you were scared to touch people. Scared to touch me?"

"Especially you Bucky."

-

"So we assume since Steve somehow made this happen, he can maybe…wish it back?" Bruce says, holding the staff out like a bomb. Steve looks at it for a second, focusing on the bright blue. He can feel it lightly scratching at his mind though without the intensity from when Strucker was directing it.

He decides to play a hunch and with the metal hand grabs one of Bucky's hands and with the other reaches for the staff.

It hits him hard, like a punch to the gut. A needless, formless power and he understands now why it's so seductive, for a second he can do anything. Rewrite history. Remove Hitler and Zola and Pierce before they're even a thought. Make that little skinny boy born ninety years ago healthy and whole, give him a family to care for him. Give Bucky back his family, his arm, take away the pain that lies deep in his bones.

But someone else will rise in their place. Something else will go wrong. It's easy to ignore the temptation after that because all he really wants is Bucky.

-

He closes his eyes as soon as Steve touches the scepter, willing himself to relax and let whatever is going to happen happen. It reminds him of being frozen, of clamps around his arms and a bit in his mouth but there's no pain.

There's-

He opens his eyes and he's looking at Steve, tall and blond with his lopsided smile. He quickly gives Bruce the assurance he needs that everything worked, the scepter can be locked back up, everyone is ok again. Bucky stays quiet, waiting for them to be alone.

"I don't want to remember everything," he says softly. "If I do, I'll remember the bad things to."

Steve gives his hand a squeeze, careful and gentle yet firm. He wonders how much control Steve has to have to make sure he restrains himself, he knows now how easy it would be for Steve to damage his arm.."It's all pretty shit Bucky, but it makes the good things better." He turns Bucky's hand around in his. "I wish- I want to give you only good things. But I can't do that either."

"Don't you want anything for yourself?" He tries to tease but it just sounds more curious to Steve. He knows what it's like to be in Steve's skin but there are other parts of Steve he has to relearn.

"Sure. A good meal, I like having hot showers. You."

A flicker of a smile pulls on Bucky's lips. "I'm not much. That ok?"

Steve almost wants to cry at how matter of fact Bucky sounds. He was stripped away down to nothing and building himself back up has been slow and difficult. "You're enough Buck." He pulls Bucky to his feet and takes a few steps forward to meet him halfway. They're almost the same height these days but Bucky now has to tilt his head up and his breath ghosts over Steve's lips. It's so achingly familiar that Steve can practically smell the mud and dirt of Europe and feel the constant, exhausting adrenaline that followed them everywhere as the world around them dissolved and burned.

But Bucky isn't there yet and they both know that.

Sam and Sharon are waiting outside, keeping an eye out so Steve and Bucky could be alone.

"Come on, kickass hotel on Stark's dime," Sam says, clapping Bucky on the shoulder as he passes. "Thinking a steak dinner."

"Lobster," Sharon chimes in, she walks backwards to face Bucky and Steve as they walk. "So you got to be a super soldier for an hour."

Steve expects Bucky to cut and run to be tense and lash out under the sudden scrutiny. He's tense where their arms touch as they walk. His smile looks forced but it's there. "Not all it's cracked up to be." He looks at Steve out of the corner of his eye. "But I'll keep Steve."

Sam gives an exaggerated groan. "You two better keep it down, just saying."

Sharon smirks and Steve is starting to wonder if maybe Bucky had the right idea by just running away. "You kidding Wilson? I'm gonna sell tickets."

Steve looks to Bucky ready to apologize, to tell him he can go or they can shut up but Bucky is smiling, looking almost stunned. He notices Steve looking back and bumps him with a shoulder. "You always end up friends with assholes." He sags in relief and rests his arm over Bucky's shoulders. He remembers suddenly the pain he felt in Bucky's body and starts to jerk his arm back and away, not wanting to make it worse but Bucky catches his hand and holds on. "It's gone," he whispers.

"What?"

"The pain. Didn't really notice until we were walking. Guess you fixed me."

Steve shifts their hands so he can hold Bucky's, resting his fingertips on Bucky's wrist so he can feel the steady pounding of his pulse. He bites his tongue so he doesn't say that Bucky doesn't need fixing, because they both know he's damaged and he's been broken. "I just wanted you back."

Bucky doesn't say anything and Sharon and Sam are back to planning dinner but he's there with Steve for now.


End file.
